Left with a bad feeling

The end of September is finally here and even though it was a very busy month for me due to all of the weddings, my future niece’s baby shower and nephews birthday I feel sadden by it all.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy for my older brother having a baby girl and my younger brother getting married and not to mention my sister and her husband finding a house to finally move into, I just feel like I am being left behind in some way. All of these great things are happening for my siblings and they are moving forward in their lives but I’m still stagnant not moving forward or backward just in limbo.
I honestly don’t want to feel like this, I want to be happy and am in a way because I want to see good things happen for my family but at the same time I also want to see something good to happen for myself. I would love to find someone to share my life with or even to travel but here I am still in the same spot as I was a year ago.
I know I have to be patient and have a positive outlook on my life but it just takes a toll after a while when nothing seems to be happening. My time will come one of these days I just have to keep hoping, I can never give up hope it is the one thing that has kept me from true despair.


What a busy time

September has been a busy and stressful month for me. Each weekend so far has been filled with weddings, a baby shower, my nephews combined birthdays and for the final weekend my younger brother’s wedding. Getting in and out of the car constantly to get in my wheelchair and trying to find a way into a building that has no handicap access is very nerve racking and makes me feel very out of place.
Along with the constant weekend adventures is the fact that school has started back up and I’m so exhausted that I find it hard to find time to write my memoir that I’m doing for class.
Along with all of this stress comes the realization that my life doesn’t seem to be moving forward like I had hoped. All of the weddings and my future niece’s baby shower got me thinking about my own life. I’m 33 and I still live at home out of necessity. I know if I was healthy I probably would have a job or two, a family of my own and been married a long time ago. Unfortunately, those dreams were not dealt to me.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that I’m still alive to witness all of these events because at one point I thought I was going to be taken from this world by means of a medical problem that arose, so I will forever be thankful for what god has given me,. I just feel, this month, like everyone is leaving me behind.
I am hoping that next month will calm down a bit so I can regain my positive attitude about life and keep trudging forward to making my life and health better for myself.

Never forget that fateful day

9-11 is a day that Americans will never forget. From the smallest child to the eldest adult. It was the day we Americans felt true terrorism in our country. Yes we have felt it before in WWII with Pearl Harbor but this time it was on the main land of the United States.
I remember exactly where I was at the time of this dreadful event. I had just finished getting ready for the day and turned on the TV to the news and was sitting on my bed when I watched the second plane hit the second tower. Mind you I couldn’t clearly see because I was partialy blind but the image I did see will stay with me forever.
That day so many died, people that were on the planes, people in the buildings, people helping, and people near the buildings as they came down. All of those amazing people firefighters, police, paramedics, and othersthat went in to help will always have a piece of my heart.
On this day, I would just like to say I’m sorry for those families that lost someone that day and to say how proud I am to be an American!


26 years ago today my baby sister was born. She was my little miracle because I wished and prayed for a sister even though the doctor told my parents it was going to be a boy. Even before they were headed to the hospital I told my parents at the front door “don’t bring it home unless it’s a girl”. I laugh still to this day over my comment even though I was only 7 years old at the time.

To everyone’s amazement, except for mine, a beautiful baby girl was born 3 hours later. To this day I thank god for bringing my sister into my life and still do as I promised god and take care of her as much as I can even though she is married. I still love her with all of my heart and soul, she is one of my best friends who I can go to when I need a shoulder to lean on and I am here for her when she needs to vent.
Our paths may have gone in two very different directions but where ever we are we are always in each others minds and hearts. I would not change anything in my life because to do so would mean I might change the course of not having my baby sister. Not having my little miracle in my life is not an option.
So, to my sister whom I love more than myself Happy Birthday. I am sorry that I cannot get you a present but I can give you my love.


I haven’t walked in 9 years and sometimes it’s difficult for me to remember what it feels like to stand up on my own or to feel my muscles moving as one as I walk. However, when I was writing a piece for my memoir all of the feelings and pride of making progress came flooding back.
The certain piece I’m talking about has to deal with when I was gaining some movement in my body those 9 years ago. I was listening to another patient trying to go further than the spot she had reached the day before. I remembered how it felt to know that you are able to take steps and stand and how good it made me feel at the time. So without thinking about what I was doing I started rooting for her out loud, encouraging her letting her know that deep down inside she had the strength to go a little farther. The result was worth it because she surpassed her goal by 10 steps.
Even though it wasn’t me walking I still felt the victory in the progress she made. Remembering this helps me today. I know I will walk again and all I need to remember is that I just have to look deep down inside myself for the strength I need if I ever feel like I cannot do something.
That can go for anything in life, if you want something bad enough just look inside yourself and the strength you need to succeed is right there waiting for you.

Feelings running a muck…

I haven’t written in a while, mostly because I’ve been busy with getting ready for my dad’s surprise party.  Today however I felt like I had to write somewhere to get all of my conflicting feelings out and maybe somehow sort them all out.  In a way I see this blog as my public journal, words engraved forever in the cyberworld.  Where I can talk to no one but yet talking to everyone. 

Lately I’ve just felt myself being in a rut, not going anywhere, not moving forward with my life, and not progressing as quickly as I expected.  I feel so out of control of my life at the current moment that I am grasping at anything to help give me some kind of perspective.

One big problem I have noticed is that I see people my own age and younger having jobs/careers, having families, and doing something with their lives.  Me, I see no work in my near future or even what I would do if I had an oppertunaty to work.  The last time I had a real job was 13 years ago.  I know that my life has not been the easiest by far, having to come back from locked-in-syndrome took 9 years of my life.  I somehow thought my life would be progressing much better by now.I am tired of having people help me do common things and having to revolve around their schedule to get things done, a big part of why I hate that is because I was the one who took care of the people around me.  I was the one people went to when they needed help but now the coin has flipped.  I am not comfortable in this new role and don’t ever think I will.
Along with this sense of being out of control is my weight.  It seems like the harder I try to lose the weight th more it doesn’t come off.  I am starting to wonder if there is something physically wrong with me besides my illness.  It is no secret that I have been fighting my weight since I got sick, what with the god awful medication and not knowing until years later that exersize was good for me and my illness. 

I don’t know why all of these feelings are coming at me at once, it could be the fact that I just had a birthday  and I feel the years passing me by or is it the upcoming birthday of my dad who keeps reminding me of how old he is and listening to all of the things he did with his life.  I am not sure but I have to regain control of my life again instead of letting it tailspin.

I know this is going out somewhere and and if my ranting and current problems can help even one person out there than I know that my life is worth something rather than the nothing I feel at the current moment.


Dreams come in many forms.  There are regular dreams when you are asleep, there are day dreams when your mind just wanders to a more exciting milieu, and then then there are fantasies.  Are fantasies dreams as well?  Well in my definition of a dream your mind takes you to places that you may wish to go or to be with certain people, or to do what you are most afraid of doing in reality.  There are those, like myself, that do have dreams that end up being a de se vue kind of experience, which can be very strange most of the time. 

Daydreaming, is another dream like state where you envision yourself being anywhere else besides where you are.  It can range from simple to very extreme because you are awake and can make it up as you go along.  So wouldn’t you put fantasies in the same category?  A fantasy is something you want but know you can’t have so it stays in your head; private, where only you can go and be/do what you want without consequences.

There is nothing wrong with having dreams, daydreams, or fantasies just as long as you remember that you can’t live in that world you have to live in this one.

Never stop dreaming however, it is the best outlet for most people to just let go of their frustrations for only a moment and place themselves in a less complicated place, where everything can go your way.  For me, dreams are an outlet where I can still walk and see, where I can run on the beach with the smell of salt water in the air and the cool breeze on my skin.  Where I do not have to battle with my weight every day, I am fit and toned, where I have a family of my own.  A loving husband and children and the skies the limit.  Without this outlet things would be a dark lonely place where I could never leave.