I haven’t written in a while, mostly because I’ve been busy with getting ready for my dad’s surprise party. Today however I felt like I had to write somewhere to get all of my conflicting feelings out and maybe somehow sort them all out. In a way I see this blog as my public journal, words engraved forever in the cyberworld. Where I can talk to no one but yet talking to everyone.
Lately I’ve just felt myself being in a rut, not going anywhere, not moving forward with my life, and not progressing as quickly as I expected. I feel so out of control of my life at the current moment that I am grasping at anything to help give me some kind of perspective.
One big problem I have noticed is that I see people my own age and younger having jobs/careers, having families, and doing something with their lives. Me, I see no work in my near future or even what I would do if I had an oppertunaty to work. The last time I had a real job was 13 years ago. I know that my life has not been the easiest by far, having to come back from locked-in-syndrome took 9 years of my life. I somehow thought my life would be progressing much better by now.I am tired of having people help me do common things and having to revolve around their schedule to get things done, a big part of why I hate that is because I was the one who took care of the people around me. I was the one people went to when they needed help but now the coin has flipped. I am not comfortable in this new role and don’t ever think I will.
Along with this sense of being out of control is my weight. It seems like the harder I try to lose the weight th more it doesn’t come off. I am starting to wonder if there is something physically wrong with me besides my illness. It is no secret that I have been fighting my weight since I got sick, what with the god awful medication and not knowing until years later that exersize was good for me and my illness.
I don’t know why all of these feelings are coming at me at once, it could be the fact that I just had a birthday and I feel the years passing me by or is it the upcoming birthday of my dad who keeps reminding me of how old he is and listening to all of the things he did with his life. I am not sure but I have to regain control of my life again instead of letting it tailspin.
I know this is going out somewhere and and if my ranting and current problems can help even one person out there than I know that my life is worth something rather than the nothing I feel at the current moment.