What a busy time

September has been a busy and stressful month for me. Each weekend so far has been filled with weddings, a baby shower, my nephews combined birthdays and for the final weekend my younger brother’s wedding. Getting in and out of the car constantly to get in my wheelchair and trying to find a way into a building that has no handicap access is very nerve racking and makes me feel very out of place.
Along with the constant weekend adventures is the fact that school has started back up and I’m so exhausted that I find it hard to find time to write my memoir that I’m doing for class.
Along with all of this stress comes the realization that my life doesn’t seem to be moving forward like I had hoped. All of the weddings and my future niece’s baby shower got me thinking about my own life. I’m 33 and I still live at home out of necessity. I know if I was healthy I probably would have a job or two, a family of my own and been married a long time ago. Unfortunately, those dreams were not dealt to me.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that I’m still alive to witness all of these events because at one point I thought I was going to be taken from this world by means of a medical problem that arose, so I will forever be thankful for what god has given me,. I just feel, this month, like everyone is leaving me behind.
I am hoping that next month will calm down a bit so I can regain my positive attitude about life and keep trudging forward to making my life and health better for myself.

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Remembering

I haven’t walked in 9 years and sometimes it’s difficult for me to remember what it feels like to stand up on my own or to feel my muscles moving as one as I walk. However, when I was writing a piece for my memoir all of the feelings and pride of making progress came flooding back.
The certain piece I’m talking about has to deal with when I was gaining some movement in my body those 9 years ago. I was listening to another patient trying to go further than the spot she had reached the day before. I remembered how it felt to know that you are able to take steps and stand and how good it made me feel at the time. So without thinking about what I was doing I started rooting for her out loud, encouraging her letting her know that deep down inside she had the strength to go a little farther. The result was worth it because she surpassed her goal by 10 steps.
Even though it wasn’t me walking I still felt the victory in the progress she made. Remembering this helps me today. I know I will walk again and all I need to remember is that I just have to look deep down inside myself for the strength I need if I ever feel like I cannot do something.
That can go for anything in life, if you want something bad enough just look inside yourself and the strength you need to succeed is right there waiting for you.

Beginnings

I am taking a creative writing class to help me wiith a memoir that I am trying to write and my professor is having me write about my expierence in the third person which I am finding difficult but am working on it, I have a small piece that I have been working on and thought I would share.  Thhis is something I went through when I first started showing symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis at the age of 9 and it is written in the third person.

 

She slowly struggles down the hallway to her room.  With each step she looks as if she is dragging a lead weight on her right leg.  Her leg is not the only problem her and her mother discussed, it was the strength of her arm and hand as well.  Her mom had just decided to take her to the emergency room and she was on her way to her room to get dressed. 

 

Finally reaching her room, she begins looking for her pants and sweater because the chill from outside was starting to slowly crawl its way over her body.  Looking for these items looked to be challenging for her, each movement had her wincing in pain as little electric currents shot down her right side.  Along with this pain was the struggle of trying to hold on to what she tried to move or grab.  The weakening of her grip started a look of fear across her face.  In her whole life she had never felt anything like this.

 

It was taking her longer than usual to finish getting ready and she was just attempting to slide on her left glove when a knock interrupted the slow progress she was making.  The glove slipped out of her hand once again as she heard her mom ask,

“Honey, you almost ready?”

Trying to keep her voice steady she replies,

“Yes mommy, just trying to put on my glove.”

Her mom enters the room and sees her daughter slowly reaching towards the ground for the glove and asks,

“Do you need any help?”

Her voice now a little shakey she whispers,

“Yes Please.”

Her mom walks quickly towards her and  slips on the glove.  With her eyes filling up she asks her mom,

“Mommy, what is wrong with me?”

Not wanting to lie to her daughter she softly says,

“I wish I knew, that is why we are going to the hospital.”

With a heavy down pour of tears she leans into her mom and begins to sob no longer holding them back.