Remembering

I haven’t walked in 9 years and sometimes it’s difficult for me to remember what it feels like to stand up on my own or to feel my muscles moving as one as I walk. However, when I was writing a piece for my memoir all of the feelings and pride of making progress came flooding back.
The certain piece I’m talking about has to deal with when I was gaining some movement in my body those 9 years ago. I was listening to another patient trying to go further than the spot she had reached the day before. I remembered how it felt to know that you are able to take steps and stand and how good it made me feel at the time. So without thinking about what I was doing I started rooting for her out loud, encouraging her letting her know that deep down inside she had the strength to go a little farther. The result was worth it because she surpassed her goal by 10 steps.
Even though it wasn’t me walking I still felt the victory in the progress she made. Remembering this helps me today. I know I will walk again and all I need to remember is that I just have to look deep down inside myself for the strength I need if I ever feel like I cannot do something.
That can go for anything in life, if you want something bad enough just look inside yourself and the strength you need to succeed is right there waiting for you.

Advertisements

Hope

Today I went to the physical therapy gym because they have all the equipment I need to get a quality workout and it is fit for a person in a wheelchair.  It got me thinking however, I remember when I got out of the hospital in 2006 when I came out of the locked-in-syndrome.  I was working with a physical therapist who was also teaching a student.  At that time I had little to no strength at all.  The student working with me was doing most of the work because I would tire out pretty quickly. 

Simple tasks that we all take for granted like:  sitting up, holding yourself up rolling from side to side, and even using your arms and hands to lift or position you no longer came easy for me.

Yet, here I am 8 years later and the student that was helping me back then is now my physical therapist, who is helping me with the smart bike that I am trying to acquire.  I was doing an evaluation with him after a few weeks using the bike and everyone there including myself noticed the change from then to now.  I was moving across the mat with no help from anyone except to hold my legs together to work on an exercise and I even stood up with his help.  My mom told me that all of the therapists stopped what they were doing and just watched because they were all there at that time.

Remembering all of this while I was doing independent gym gave me an euphoric feeling that made me want to keep working and not to give up because if I have come that far then who knows how much longer it will take me before I will start walking again.  The only thing standing in my way is my own insecurities and fears which I have to put aside to reach my goal.

Finally, progress.

Yesterday was a big day for me.  I finally after eight years was able to ride the bike on my own for about one minute. 

This is just the first step for me and hopefully in the near future I will be able to walk on my own.

 

You are probably asking yourself what happened to me, well I’ll tell you.  About eight years ago I went into a coma due to complications from a port I had placed in my chest.  It got infected and caused major havoc to my disease, thus the coma.  I really don’t know how long I was in the coma but when I finally opened my eyes and my mom told me that I was not focused, that my eyes were staring at nothing and looked glassy.  To top it off I was in locked in syndrome.  For those of yu who don’t know what that is, it is when you cannot move, you have a form of lock jaw and for a time could not communicate.  This was a very emotional and difficult time for my family and I because the doctors kept telling my parents that I would have to be put in a home, which they vehemently refused, and as for me I finally was coherent enough where I was aware of what was going on but was trapped in my own silent prison.

 

One day however I was finally able to move the muscles in my face and open my jaw a tiny bit.  from then I was able to move a little more everyday. 

The hard thing was that I had to learn everything from scratch, that is: walking, moving my arms and fingers, holding onto stuff and even eating whole foods.  I have made so much progress since that time ad the progress just keeps improving. 

 

It is a battle everyday to just get up but I do it because that is the only way I am going to get back to normal.  No one else can push me to do it but me. 

So each time I feel like I want to give up I just remember where I was eight years ago and snap myself out of it.  I have come so far I am not about to give up now.