Dreams

Dreams come in many forms.  There are regular dreams when you are asleep, there are day dreams when your mind just wanders to a more exciting milieu, and then then there are fantasies.  Are fantasies dreams as well?  Well in my definition of a dream your mind takes you to places that you may wish to go or to be with certain people, or to do what you are most afraid of doing in reality.  There are those, like myself, that do have dreams that end up being a de se vue kind of experience, which can be very strange most of the time. 

Daydreaming, is another dream like state where you envision yourself being anywhere else besides where you are.  It can range from simple to very extreme because you are awake and can make it up as you go along.  So wouldn’t you put fantasies in the same category?  A fantasy is something you want but know you can’t have so it stays in your head; private, where only you can go and be/do what you want without consequences.

There is nothing wrong with having dreams, daydreams, or fantasies just as long as you remember that you can’t live in that world you have to live in this one.

Never stop dreaming however, it is the best outlet for most people to just let go of their frustrations for only a moment and place themselves in a less complicated place, where everything can go your way.  For me, dreams are an outlet where I can still walk and see, where I can run on the beach with the smell of salt water in the air and the cool breeze on my skin.  Where I do not have to battle with my weight every day, I am fit and toned, where I have a family of my own.  A loving husband and children and the skies the limit.  Without this outlet things would be a dark lonely place where I could never leave.

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Hope

Today I went to the physical therapy gym because they have all the equipment I need to get a quality workout and it is fit for a person in a wheelchair.  It got me thinking however, I remember when I got out of the hospital in 2006 when I came out of the locked-in-syndrome.  I was working with a physical therapist who was also teaching a student.  At that time I had little to no strength at all.  The student working with me was doing most of the work because I would tire out pretty quickly. 

Simple tasks that we all take for granted like:  sitting up, holding yourself up rolling from side to side, and even using your arms and hands to lift or position you no longer came easy for me.

Yet, here I am 8 years later and the student that was helping me back then is now my physical therapist, who is helping me with the smart bike that I am trying to acquire.  I was doing an evaluation with him after a few weeks using the bike and everyone there including myself noticed the change from then to now.  I was moving across the mat with no help from anyone except to hold my legs together to work on an exercise and I even stood up with his help.  My mom told me that all of the therapists stopped what they were doing and just watched because they were all there at that time.

Remembering all of this while I was doing independent gym gave me an euphoric feeling that made me want to keep working and not to give up because if I have come that far then who knows how much longer it will take me before I will start walking again.  The only thing standing in my way is my own insecurities and fears which I have to put aside to reach my goal.

Bad day

Having a mopey day, missing the things that this god awful disease has taken away from me.  I no longer go to see the fireworks on the 4th of July because what’s the point.  I miss being able to see the computer instead of listening to it.  I miss going to a classroom and listening to the teacher.  I miss being able to walk, run, jump, dance or even swim.  I hate being afraid of going out because I might get in the way, places are not wheelchair friendly, having to depend on others to tell me what’s on the menu or tell me what’s going on during the movie.  I can’t seem to do anything on my own anymore and I feel more isolated and alone that it hurts.

Boston marathon 2014

Yesterday I was busy listening to the Boston Marathon due to the fact that my cousin was running in it!  I was so proud of her when she told my family last year that she got an invitation to run in the marathon but she said she wasn’t going to run until 2014.  So when the bombing of the marathon last year occurred my dad, who forgot that she wasn’t running that year, came home crying thinking she was there.  Both my mom and I had to try to get a hold of her to reassure him that she was ok.  We finally reached her and to make him feel calmer she jokingly said she would have been back in the hotel when the bomb went off.  Even though that bomb was in no way a joking matter my dad was relieved. 

So this year I was excited and nervous waiting to find out how she dd.  I did not want anything to go wrong again and for any more innocent people to get hurt or worse, killed.  The bombing last year still does not make any sense to me and I still wonder why anyone would want to cause such pain and tragedy.

Thankfully this year went off without a hitch and my cousin finished in 3.43 hours!  I was also pleased to hear that there were people in wheelchairs in the marathon as well!  One of these days I would like to run in a marathon if I get to walk again and see how I do.

Controversial debate

A couple of years after I lost my sight, I was attending the Society for the Blind learning different skills to move on with my life as a blind person.  After one of my classes we had a support group with newly blind people and others that have been blind longer or have been blind all of their lives.

During this session someone asked if it was easier to live life being blind your whole life or having some sight and then losing it, being able to have some memory of what people are describing to you.  It was a very controversial debate and in the end no one had an answer. 

I still stand by my initial feeling, that it is easier to be born blind because you do not know what you are missing.  I would have rather have been born blind than to have lost my sight at the age of 20.  I have never seen my nephews, did not get a chance to see my younger sister or brothers grow into adults, I did not get or will not see the weddings of my siblings, I will not finish my schooling for a long time to come, and if I ever have a child I will never be able to see them. 

I know this sounds a little depressing and maybe it is but I am content with my life as it is because I am alive and would not trade that for anything in the world.

Pick a season already!

This crazy weather has been making me sick these past few weeks.  The weather can’t seem to make up its mind on whether or not it wants to be warm or cold.  With my MS the weather can play havoc on my body and my disease.  I cannot get to hot because I can have another flare up and if it is cold I cannot get warm unless I have tons of blankets. 

I remember the time before I got sick when I would run around in the blistering 100 plus degree heat, where you could see the heat waves in the air like billions of fingers brushing your skin with feather like caresses and when I would run down the ice cream man, with no shoes on, bouncing from one foot to the other ordering a 50 cent Rocket Pop and then finding the coolest spot available to eat it.  I also remember running around in the rain in shorts and a shirt not caring if it was cold because I knew I would get warm once I went inside. 

Unfortunately those days are gone and when a warm to hot day comes along I am confined inside with the cool air or if it is cold I am confined inside with a pile of blankets covering me.

I know I cannot live in the past, however I have to live for now but that doesn’t mean I can’t miss the freedom of going outside no matter what the weather is like.

The decision has been made!

I have finally come up with the decision to start an online fundraiser to try to raise the money for the smart bike that I am trying to get. I have been to the physical therapist and have used this amazing bike twice and am amazed how well it works. On my last appointment I rode for 2.25 miles! No one had to help me pedal all they did was to place my wheelchair in the right position then anchor it to the machine and hook me up to the electrodes and from there the system can tell if I need help, whether or not my muscles are fatigued and what muscle needs help.

I researched the many online fundraiser sites and went with GoFundMe. The link to my page is http://www.gofundme.com/7y475s 

I have raised $300 already and am excited.